a mothers plight

Children...
what a scurge, a blessing, and a curse all at once...
when I was young all i wanted was love, attention, and affection from my mother.  I wanted to be with her, do things with her, hang out with her once i became an adult.  She wanted nothing to do with being my friend and often told me that you cannot be both a mother and a friend at the same time.  ~ sigh ~
now I'm a mother with grown kids.  All I've ever wanted from them was unconditional love and acceptance, just as I gave.  I find myself alone.  I long to have times when they would come over when I invite them, or just because they might want to drop by to see me.  Hey mom, lets go out.  Let's do something.  Hey want to go camping?  These are things that I have often asked of them.
So many families with pics posted of getting together and hanging out at various stages in life.  I sadly don't have any to show.  My kids don't seem to connect with me.  Often ignoring my gentle requests to get together.  And I don't push it either, respecting their time.
It is the saddest thing when your kids don't seem to want to connect.  It's all I ever wanted.  To connect.  Not just once a year like at Christmas.  My heart is so heavy.  It is the most painful thing a mother has to endure.  Giving up everything of herself for her kids and being left behind.
It's as though they all died and I'm left here on my own.  I avoid the cliche of the nagging mother.
I don't lecture them on 'how come you don't call your mother more often' 'how come you never come to see me?' etc, etc.  I suffer in great silence.  I bury it.  Always, forever.
                                      I just want to be adopted by a vibrant family who wants to claim me as
                                                    their own.  To bring me into their fold and include me in their
                                                                lives.   

So... I last blogged in Nov 2009.  It's now Oct 2012... 3 years later!  And so... you ask... are you still living life without coke?  No! Damn It! The damn drink got me!  So I approach it this time like a boyfriend.  He brought me instant satisfaction every time I put him to my lips.  But the effect he had on me was not all it was cracked up to be.  My health suffers for it.  My breath stinks, I feel sluggish and bloated, I've gained noticeable weight, my hair and skin are dull and I find myself chained to him like he owns me.  I work my days around him.  Who the hell would put up with someone like that?  So now we had our last taste and I broke up with him tonight! Took the last sip from the bottom of the glass.

The feelings that go with breaking up with someone whom you were in a long relationship are awful.  I know this will be the case and I can never be friends with him ever again. I will need to alter my routine. Find other things new to do.  I will want to hibernate and sleep, not get up and face the day.  I will have headaches and habit cravings.

As time goes by I will start to feel like my self again but with a new outlook on life.  I'm free! And I have a new boyfriend on the horizon. I met him before.  He's very good for me and will have lasting benefits. He has no calories, hydrates me well, keeps my digestive system healthy, and will contribute to helping me loose the weight and gain energy again.  His name is water.  And he says that he will be accompanied by slices of cucumber for a while.  Wow! What an easy relationship.  He says I'll start to see benefits of our relationship in no time.  My breath will start to improve.  My energy will start to return.  My skin and hair won't be so dull.  My sense of smell will increase and my enjoyment of different foods will improve.

It's scary breaking up but also exhilarating starting something new.

Still Here!

So... it's been 16 days so far. 26 more days until i reach the point of no return. Until i reach the same length of time i quit coke last time. I am going to reach beyond it... FOREVER!

It feels uncomfortable to say that. Am I just lying to myself? Is it really forever? I have to keep reminding myself that I DO want to never drink the stuff again. To always feel better than I did when I was drinking the stuff. Remember the bloating... remember the cramping... remember the bad breath... remember being tied to the glass, always have to make sure I have another bottle in the fridge at the ready, ready when I finish that last glass. So the ratio is heavily weighted on the quit side. Ten reasons to quit : two reasons not to. TEN good reasons!

Today I feel myself sinking into that feeling of 'want' again. I must get out of my chair and get busy doing something in my day. Accomplish something that I keep meaning to do. Get it done. And then reward yourself with a tall glass of icewater. Ahhhhh how refreshing!

Today is a new day...