The time of year when cravings for sugar, fats and salts run high. When the couch screams for me to SIT and STAY!
And so I sit here... why do I feel so bloated? I know there is a skinnier person inside of me. I can feel her. I remember her. I'm not 'that' fat. See... I'm not as large as that person over there.
But why can't I see my toes when I look down? Why do I have this mental block that keeps me on the couch, in my chair at my computer, in my car instead of walking?
It's that darn lie I keep telling myself. Tomorrow I'll go for a walk, I'll drink water instead of pop. I'll eat a different breakfast instead of the usual sugar cereal I always eat. I won't skip meals. I'm still smaller than most people I know. (I'm short, does that count?)
Now don't get me wrong, I know there is a point at which you can be too skinny. I just want to lose that bulge on my ribcage, to walk and not have my inner thighs rub together wearing down the fabric on my pants. Is that excess skin starting to show on my upper arms? Quick! Do something before it's too late and you have even more weight to lose.
So how do the celebrities do it? I know... they have personal trainers to motivate them, personal chefs to cook all their healthy meals and portion them out just right.
Well... I'm not a celebrity and I can't afford my own personal trainer or chef.
My basic problem is me. My lack of will power. And my addiction... to pop.
There! I've said it! I have no will power. I have an addiction. Hey ~ isn't the first step to any problem - identifying and admitting the problem? Well then... time to get to work.
I've had this conversation with myself many, many, many times before. But... I've never blogged about it, made it public, laid out a plan, looked for support.
So let's look at the patient shall we?
She is a picky eater, and only pop seems to quench her thirst, hates drinking water, juices fill her up too much and don't quench her thirst either. She only likes cold drinks as hot drinks like tea tend to put her to sleep. Luckily she hasn't acquired a taste for coffee, that wretched drink with all it's caffeine. She lives in a northern climate so the lessening of the light lessens her energy and mood. SADS anyone?
She is finding herself in midlife with children starting to leave the nest and a husband about to retire. And on and on... a million excuses. Just like so many others out there.
She did manage to quick drinking coke for 42 days! A proud accomplishment. So then, what happened? Why is she back to drinking it more than ever? She decided that she would have just one glass when she was out at a restaurant. I'm not at home so it doesn't count, she told herself. That one turned into two, which soon turned into four, which turned into a few times a week, which turned into every other day, which turned into every day, which turned into a lot of times a day. See where I'm going with this?
So the realization I came to is that my addiction to pop and coke in particular, is that if I am to truly quit - I must never have another glass EVER AGAIN. It rings in my ears... never again! It rings in my ears like the screeching violins in a horror movie. NEVER AGAIN!!!
But I'm in love with pop. It makes me feel like 'all's right with the world'. That black beauty. That instant pick me up. The way it feels when it goes down my throat. The feel of the carbonation. The sensation of instant thirst quench until I've finished swallowing. Then... I need just another sip. Before too long I realize that I'm almost done the whole bottle.
It seems worse in the winter months. In the summer I'm outside and I keep myself busy with yard work. Lots of physical movement. Lots of lifting, feeling my muscles move, my energy flowing. More day light hours. It's easier to drink water when the days are sweltering and I've not time to think about this clear substitute. It seems to quench my thirst for now. But in the fall/winter months I'm not drawn outside. "It's too cold", I tell myself. "It's not sunny", "there's not enough time before the sun does down". And on and on, excuse after excuse.
So I will start tomorrow when I wake up. I will start by pouring myself a glass of cold water with ice. The sound of the ice in the glass makes it feel as though I'm still drinking my 'friend'.
I guess it's kind of like the feel of a pen in one's fingers upon quitting smoking. No it's not the same when you inhale the end of a pen but the physical feel in your hand is similar.
And as I ponder my day tomorrow I am 'KICKING AND SCREAMING - KICK ING AND SCREAM ING' but I am stronger than the five year old that lurks inside of me. I WANT to do this. I will feel much better for it, I will.
tomorrow.... the start of withdrawal. Remember ... pop did this to you - no - you did this to yourself and you will undo it... and feel better
AND YOU WILL
